I hate dogs in video games. Hate them. They come out of nowhere and bite at your crotch with that rabid insane look in their eyes. They’re small, fast, and hard to hit and every developer puts in that pitiful yelp when you shoot them so you end up feeling sorry for the poor thing. Maybe it was that inside out zombie dog in Resident Evil that put me off for good, but nothing gets me more on edge than damn patrol dogs.

So when I saw my first dog in Splinter Cell, I decided to nip it in the bud and snipe the thing from a distance. I thought this would probably alert passing soldiers to my presence, but that’s what quicksave is for. Besides, I haven’t been allowed to kill anyone on this mission and I’m tired of elbowing everyone in the back of the head!

He’s licking balls in hell now.

Incidentally, a soldier walked right over the dog corpse twice and was completely unaware of any wrongdoing. Perhaps I got lucky and took out a Narcoleptic pooch!

A quality boss battle will always leave you with one hit point left.

Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force has swallowed a bomb pill this morning. It ended in a classic boss battle pitting Munro against an army of enemies in numbers I haven’t seen since the arena in Fable. I then had to defeat a hideous beast who would stop at nothing to destroy the universe. No tricks, no secret soft spot to wait for; just good old fashioned dodging and unloading!

(Read on …)

In the future, we will no longer need spoons to eat soup….

BTW - I’ve noticed a few Winter 2007 games have been quietly completed without posting. Your ninja tactics have no place in this competition!

I should be finished with Elite Force sometime this weekend…

Here’s what happened:

My wife recently had to have surgery. It went fine, but unfortunately included an excruciatingly long pre-operative wait of over seven hours. Hey, it happens. The surgery before my wife’s was a particularly difficult one. It involved pulling a patient’s–it might have been Jack Thompson–head out of their own ass.

Anyway…my mother-in-law–who is nearly 87 and lives several states away–was absolutely livid that her daughter had to wait so long. She emailed something along lines of…”I was so frustrated I went to the computer and played a particularly aggressive game of Bejewelled and got my highest score ever.”

A few months ago when I was visiting her, I had to escort her to the local EB, so she could pick up some games to play on her new, scratch-built, dual core PC (no, Grandma isn’t quite that much of gearhead; it was built for her by a friend of her grandson…still…my octoganerian mother-in-law has a better rig than I do!) This led to one of the most surreal scenes I could imagine: there was Grandma, in the middle of EB, trying to decide between Bejeweled and Call of Duty 2.

You know, in retrospect, I might have steered her in the wrong direction.

Oh, I/O Magic…. how you make me pine for the quality customer service of Brad from Gravis….

I got a I/O Magic stand alone CD Duplicator for Xmas in 2005. The thing worked great for about 6 months, then the bottom drive pooped its pants. I procrastinated for a few months before beginning the RMA process, but eventually got a replacement unit. Not only was this unit inferior out of the box with a smaller, cheaper display, but its bottom drive died after five days! I tried to contact I/O Magic several times through email and the internet, but got no responses. After a month or so I finally decided to give them a phone call.

The following audio is a recording of their tech support message and is representative of I/O Magic’s careful attention to detail.

I/O Magic Tech Support Message

… and yes, each number is a different department.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to appreciate getting my tech support from India.

AND I’M GOING TO OUTLAND!

WOOO!

In other news, I am the first human being on earth to win WoW by completing all quests. Observe:

You may begin your worship.

It’s quiet….. TOO quiet…

Next on my Winter Games 2007 list is Star Trek: Elite Force. This shooter from 2000 is considered by many to be the best Star Trek game ever. As it is the only Star Trek game I’ve played, I’ll have to agree. As an FPS it’s very entertaining and I can only imagine how much fun I’d be having if I actually liked Star Trek.

(Read on …)

So Mr. Johnson, I understand you’re experiencing a burning sensation when you crusade?

This week we have our first look at World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade and Tritone brings us a review of Lost Planet: Extreme Condition for the Xbox 360.

LISTEN

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion: good or bad? People were lining up to heap praise on this monstrosity for reasons totally unclear to me. I say it was awful and here’s why:

1) Difficulty scaled world. No matter where you go or when, the monsters are just right for your level. Remember that highwayman you bumped into when you were level 1? Well now that you’re level 50, he’s back and he’s been working out. LAME. What’s fun about a world where no matter how bad-ass you get, the jackasses wandering the streets are equally bad-ass?

2) Lack of direction or narrative. Is a story too much to ask for? Bethesda wanted to give players the freedom to do whatever they wanted, but the result was a world devoid of urgency or necessity. Save Kvatch, don’t save Kvatch, whatever. It’ll still be there 20 levels from now. I’ll save that last heir later, I’ve got other shit to do. Like collect fungus.

3) Collecting fungus. This world has a lot of shit in it, including a biodiverse array of fungi. You can even steal the flatware off the dinner table if you want to. That’s a good use of programming power, by the way. It’s important that you be able to pick up the shrimp fork and the salad fork individually. Miss Manners would be proud.

4) Goofy character models. Everyone in this game looks like they’re either retaining water or they’re an Andean mummy. Your goofy face tools make the baby Jesus cry.

5) Pretension. There’s a lot of this floating around. Who the hell do you think you are, J.R.R. Tolkein?

I weep for Fallout 3.

ps. Brixtone thinks I hate all RPG’s that are not from Black Isle. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I do know that I hate Brixtone.

Hi, I’m a bloated goofball, it’s nice to meet you!

It was nearly eight years ago that I began playing Starcraft with my brother Pete in my apartment in Jersey City, NJ. I had been a fan of Warcraft II, but wasn’t particularly interested in Starcraft because it seemed to lack the humor and cartoon style of the Warcraft series. My brother was visiting from PA and we decided to stay in that night and give it a try. Incidentally, this was also the night I tried my first gin and tonic….

(Read on …)