El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
Jefe: Yes, El Guapo, you have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?

No jury in the world would convict me

It’s over. It’s done. Bad Boys has eaten the bomb. Satan’s plans have failed, and I have emerged unscathed. Well…at least physically.

You know those fantastic games where you get so into the story and gameplay that by the time you get to the end of the character’s arduous journey, you feel such a sense of accomplishment for having guided your avatar safely through the pits of hell? I mean, down to your last scraps of ammo, armor gone, health waning, and you take that crowbar and deal the deathblow to the 10-story beast that nightmares are made from. You may throw down the controller and cheer. You may sit back and revel in an amazing cutscene or credit sequence. You feel joy and satisfaction (unless the game in question is Halo 2 [just gonna keep beating that dead horse until Halo 3 comes out]).

But what about the character? His task is complete, but he cannot celebrate. He has been to the very brink, and been given reprieve thanks to your skills, but at what cost? All he can do, is walk away slowly, knowing that everyone and everything he has ever cared about is dead and gone. There is no place for him left in the world he just saved, and so he resigns himself to just walk away from it all, a tear trickling down his cheek, a shell of the man he once was. I can sympathize. I’ve played Bad Boys: Miami Takedown.

Let’s break it down real quick…

• Bad Boys is a game that was supposed to be released as a marketing tie-in with the release of Bad Boys II on DVD. It actually came out nearly a year later, blowing its chance of quick profit by association.
• Bad Boys is a movie-based game that failed to include the likenesses or voices of the actors from the movies. This includes a voice actor who sounds more like Joe Pesci than Joey Pants as the captain. I suppose they got the outfits right, at least.

• Bad Boys is a 3rd-person duck-and-cover shooter similar to 007: Everything or Nothing or Dead to Rights except without the “Lock-on” feature that makes those games action-packed, fast moving, and mostly enjoyable. The manual aiming in this game is a nearly unending exercise in frustration.

Those are just some highlights, but I will put forth my 2 most telling experiences with the game. Firstly, at what felt like the halfway point in the game, I decided that I wanted to know just how much I had left to endure. I looked online for a FAQ, level guide, or walkthrough with no interest in getting any hints, aside from how much left. You see, in various places you’ll find varying descriptions for the game as containing 13 levels or 15 levels. You know what I found? Nothing! Not one FAQ, not one walkthrough. Nothing more than a cheat code for infinite ammo (which was never a problem) turned up in all my searches. Nobody had bothered to write a single document about Bad Boys except for the scathing reviews I kept turning up. Hell, even Minesweeper and Notepad have FAQ’s that people write for shits & giggles, but nobody will touch this game with a 10 foot pole. Not a good sign.

Moving on, resigned to play until it finally ended, I found that in order to proceed I had to work outside of the intended play mechanics. The controls are so broken that the cover point play style is more likely to get you killed than running around in the open. I did find that if you duck behind a low object without engaging the cover point, you can continue to aim your crosshairs, then pop up, shoot, and pop back down quickly without getting hit. In this fashion, you methodically make your way through the game one guy at a time, taking roughly 30 seconds per guy to line up your shot thanks to the horrendous analog control. Tedious does not begin to describe it.

I have survived Secret Satan 2005, but a little piece of me may have died inside. There is nothing left to do but to walk away. Perhaps, in time, titles like Chaos Theory, Brothers in Arms, and Fable will heal those wounds.

Perhaps….

I’m taking gaming to the streets, beotch!

Finally I can go to the Galleria and play Mall Tycoon in full ironic splender!

This thing games better than my current desktop. I tested it using the new Psychonauts demo and it’s a thing of beauty. The demo is pretty sweet too.

Have fun navigating the rotating log maze!

I had to take a good, long shower after feeding the bomb to Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines late last week, and here’s why:

VtM is an RPG based on White Wolf Press’ extremely popular d20 game of the same name. And by extremely popular, I mean it’s a prerequisite for anyone who wears black lipstick and lives in a dank basement with all of their black-lipstick-wearing friends. The people I knew who played the d20 version of the game wore black trenchcoats to school everyday, watched “The Crow” religiously, and scorned all thoughts of happiness and joy. You might say it’s a little goth inspired.

This is one CRAZY ho.

In the game, you play a “recently embraced” vampire caught up in the vastly complex machinations of the various vampire factions. As the game progresses, you unravel a complex tale of betrayal and manipulation centering around a mysterious sarcophagus believed to hold the remains of the original vampire himself, Caine. Along the way, you can choose to ally yourself with a handful of various conflicting forces by accepting or declining various missions, thus encouraging replay by actively aligning missions as either/or choices. Gameplay is a mixture of 1st and 3rd person perspectives and features maybe 15-20 hours of play in one go-round. The graphics are hum-drum, the combat requires a lot of button mashing, and the game is FULL of programming glitches, but what really sets this one apart is the dirty-dirty.

This being a vampire game, I was expecting a mix of sex and violence - both of which are a hallmark of that particular legend. However, I was a little unsettled by how close the two were tied together. I’ve done my share of GTA-time, killing gangbangers and soliciting prostitutes, but I’ve never had the unique experience of going to a goth club, seducing a co-ed, and then drinking her dry because my health bar was low. Nor have I ever had a slave who’d whore herself out and bring home a John so I could drink him dry. Both of which, as you may have guessed, you can do in this game. This game has a ‘Mature’ rating and deserves every iota of it: the violence didn’t bother me and the sex didn’t bother me, but making the two intrinsically linked did bother me. It made me feel funny. And not in a good way, like when you climb the rope in gym class.

Pimp suit not required, but encouraged.

There are some redeeming features to this game; the dialog options are extensive and the character interactions are some of the best I’ve seen. These are perhaps the best features of the game and that’s important: digging for information via conversation is where you’ll spend most of your time. The story is intriguing and lots of side missions keep things fresh, but I’m going to have to give this game the “no replay” tag. I went through it once, but I don’t feel any need to go again even though it’s designed to be played from different angles; it’s no surprise I picked this off the used bin. If you’re an RPG whore like I am and you aren’t prone to mysogyny it’s an experience to have, but if RPG’s aren’t your passion you should save your money for other things.

Sometimes I get an itching, burning sensation. Mostly burning.

See that game on the left? It ate the bomb. And now that it has done so, I must give it some praise. The game is Katamari Damacy for PS2 and it came out last year. My initial interest in this game came from the fact that it is a continuation of a project started at a Namco game design school. Student game designer Keita Takahashi was given the green light to assemble a team of artists, musicians and developers and take his idea all the way to the console market.

The storyline and dialog, which make sense only when sleep deprived or drunk, describe a mishap which has resulted in all the stars being knocked out of the sky by your father (the king of the universe). Your job as the prince of the universe is to create new stars from any and all materials available on planet Earth. So you start with a small, sticky ball and roll it around picking up random stuff around a house like thumbtacks, pencils and mice. Objects that are small enough stick to the ball and add to its diameter. Those that are too big cannot be picked up and will get in your way or even worse knock you off course. This leads to constant yelling of things like “I’m comin’ back for your ass!” and “I’ll be back with a bus on this thing and crush you, donkey!” Taking your revenge picking up objects which initially proved too large is the definition of video game satisfaction.

At the start of each round you’re given a specific diameter as your goal and once that goal is reached, your “star” is launched into the sky.

The subsequent stars you roll get larger in diameter with each passing round and to find larger materials, you must travel outside of the house and into the street. At this point you’re picking up medium to large items like dogs, cows and bicycles. Eventually, the diameter requirement is so large that you must travel across the sea and pick up things like tanker trucks, baseball stadiums and skyscrapers.

The original game design makes this one stand out from 2004’s sequel showdown but it has many other features that make it something special. First, all aspects of the game are controlled with only the analog sticks on the controller. This way our buddy Eddie “Thumbs” McKenzie can play with no worries. Secondly the visuals in the game, though a bit blocky, are pretty amazing. The fact that the game keeps track of everything you’ve picked up and that it can all be seen on the outer layer of the ball is a nice touch. Finally the music in Katamari Damacy is tremendous. Its genres are far and wide and the individual tunes are infectious. I spent several days singing the opening theme to myself and everyone else I know who has played it has done the same.

I picked this up for $19.95 new and chances are you can find it quite a bit cheaper. I recommend Katamari Damacy to anyone with a PS2 and find that the game is best played with several people in the room. Take turns sharing your transition from initial confusion and frustration to satisfying and raw entertainment.

I think this cartoon from halobabies.net says it all.

Click for funny

You were right, Dan. That ending was like a roller coaster that cranks you up a giant hill, then stops at the top and makes you get off. It left me totally dissatisfied to the point of not even craving the next installment. I don’t trust them not to toy with my emotions again. It reminds me of the time I saw Matrix 2. I also reminds me of the time I never saw Matrix 3.

Still, in the hope that I haven’t dissuaded Jeff from finishing yet another game in his ever growing queue of titles; it was some damn fine gaming. The fact that the ending is disappointing is really a testament to how exciting everything preceding it is. They throw so many enemies at you that you can only run for your life towards the next door and hope they don’t follow you. My friend Jon and I have plans to co-op on Legendary and I will be sure to post the gory details. I also think we need to get some system link multiplayer action going on this. Everyone grab your Xbox and your portable TV and head for Jeff’s house!