I had some botox done.

“Damn you and your gaelic doubles you brigand! One day it’ll be my turn…”

- Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery

I had an English teacher once tell me that nothing is classier than starting an essay with a relevant quote, although I feel like this isn’t what she had in mind.

Half-Life 2 ate the bomb tonight so I thought I’d lay my impressions on you in order to start the flow, as I am sure I’m not the only one who’s fed the bomb to this little gem. Valve has done a fantastic job on this title, and it was everything that I’d heard it was, which is rare in this age of hype. The graphics were beautiful and ran smoothly on my machine, the game pace was swift and kept things fresh (although I did get sick of Ravenwood), and this time I actually wished there was another level to play.

This game had a lot of qualities that I look for in a sequel. The obvious first is the stellar jump in technology and platform: there’s simply no question that this was visually the most well programmed game that I’ve played. I’d rate this one above Far Cry for visual effects. There was plenty of homage to the original Half-Life that reminded you why you love the first one. In this particular case, it was driven primarily by the characters who made the jump from the first to the second. There was a real sense of deja vu in several places: that tingly feeling that you’d been there before and you felt like the good old days were back. Finally, enough of a twist to make you really appreciate how the world had grown and changed since you saved it before. Seeing the vortigons on my side put a smile on my face, despite the fact that I really enjoyed popping them with the Magnum in HL1. I also hated head crabs in HL1, and I hate the new head crabs even more. Nicely done, Valve.

There were minor issues that nagged at me: I felt having a squad with me was useless, I got lost on a few irritating levels, and the constant need to rearrange the crap lying around got on my nerves, but these are minor details and don’t take too much away from the game.

The best part though, is the G-Man. That piece of crap used me like a Kleenex. Right from the get-go that cheap suited, briefcase carrying weirdo made it clear that he was going to give me the business, and didn’t want to hear any guff about it. The fact that a programmed creation toyed with my emotions so thoroughly makes me really want to shake some hands at Valve.

There’s a lot to see in this game, none of which I have to space to cover here. There’s no need to say what I’m about to say, but you really need to play this game.

Don’t Mess With Taris!

Well Jeff, your challenge of eight weeks has been met in a mere eleven days. Today at 1:30PM, Knights of the Old Republic ate the bomb.

If any of you haven’t played this, you are missing out on one of the best RPG’s and one of the finest Star Wars games ever made. I’m blown away by the amount of content they were able to fit onto one disc, and that’s after only playing through as a light side jedi! There’s probably another third of the game I haven’t seen!

This is probably the most non-linear game I’ve ever played. I had to get used to the feeling that I was missing things or not doing things right. You can’t possibly do everything your first time through so some of your party members will hardly ever be used and many quests and opportunities will be lost in favor of other paths. Aside from choosing to be a light or dark side jedi, your initial class will also determine what choices you can make. Skill levels in computer use, repair, demolitions, and persuasion affect how and if you solve problems.

It’s refreshing to play a game that is targeted to adults. Some of the puzzles are Mensa level math formulas that cause fire to shoot out of your ears. There are lots of moral dilemmas with multiple outcomes depending on how you handle them. One of the biggest is near the end of the game when what you say can mean the difference between changing your opponent’s mind and making them an ally; or having to fight them to the death. Every conversation you have gives you the opportunity to be a Boy Scout or a dick. Choosing the right phrase can be tricky at times and sometimes what they want you to say seems random and can result in a frustrating trial and error of conversation threads to get the result you want. Still, the stories that unfold and the depth of character development given to every member of your party make the game feel like the greatest Star Wars mini-series ever made.

The most ingenius innovation is the fighting system. KOTOR has come up with a way to make D n’ D turn-based fighting exciting to watch. No more boring script reading (”Melee Attack - Success! -15 hp… “). Instead your fighters carry out their turns in real time with the ability to pause the action at any time and schedule activities for each member’s future turns. So what unfolds is an exciting battle with gun fights, sword play, and jedi acrobatics. It seems chaotic at first and you feel like a mere spectator, but once you get used to it, the strategy reveals itself.

My only complaint is that my copy, despite being new, was really buggy at times. Certain areas would choke up on me and I could hear the disc spinning over and over trying to find whatever it was missing. One time I switched a member of my party and the new member materialized on the other side of a locked door where a bunch of dark jedi killed her. Perhaps with Xbox live there was a patch for these problems, but since me not have, me suffer bugs. If Microsoft was a kind and generous company, they’d allow people to download patch content for free via Xbox live and make everything else subscription based. Since they’re not, I’m stuck with “Senor Skippy”.

Believe the hype about this game. It truly deserves all the accolades it has received. It succeeds as a great RPG, a great adventure game, and a great addition to the Star Wars legacy. It probably took me 70 hours to beat this mother (the save says 59 hours, but you know how that goes..) and I’m already looking forward to playing through again as a dark jedi. I can’t wait to bitch slap all those whiney poor people! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Mom,

That bastard Griff ran off with my credits after I gave him those Tach glands! Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of money thanks to my Pazaak skills and endless rummaging through other people’s footlockers.

Korriban sucked. I had to lie my way into the Sith Academy just to see any of the great local attractions like Scoliosis Valley. They tried to arrest me for taking pictures so I ended up having to kill all the Sith and raid their tombs for artifacts. This turned out to be a mistake as the planet has a very high murder and pillage tax. I was forced to earn some extra cash teaching “Low-G Tap” lessons.

On our way to the Star Forge, our ship crash landed on a strange planet full of Wild Rancor. It took forever to get the ship repaired and as there was absolutely nothing to do on the planet we were forced to kill all the Rancor for sport. Unfortunately, we did not have the proper papers to hunt with lasers so I had to yet again work off my debt; this time as a model for Bose “Space-Time Continuum Cancelling Headphones“. They actually transport you to the exact time and place the recording was made! Eventually, we made it to the Star Forge. Now if I can just get passed all these pesky Dark Jedi…

Love,
Son

Are you happy now, Dan? You started this madness. I now own the three major consoles and people have started showing up at my apartment looking for what they refer to as “the gaming holy land”.

When I finally got the thing home and hooked it up, I really felt like I’d lost it. Remember that scene in the Matrix when Morpheus asks Neo to choose the red pill or the blue pill? This is like Neo grabbing both the red and blue pills, gulping them down with the glass of water, smashing the glass in the fireplace then barking a loud belch in Morpheus’ face.

The Game Cube came with Metroid Prime and after starting it up I felt much better about my purchase. Nintendo has packed quite a punch in that little box, the graphics surpassing those of the PS2 and rivaling the Xbox. The controller is rather comfortable and the design on the console is tight. Check out the handle on the back for easy transport to your gaming destination of choice. This thing was made to travel. In addition to Metroid Prime, I bought Pikmin 2 and Mike hooked me up with Super Mario Sunshine. Looks like great fun all around and there will be more reports later.

Later this week: The void left after completing Half-Life 2.

It’s about time I made a contribution to this site, and so it is with great pleasure that I finally shoved a bomb down the throat of Breakdown. Although this could have easily qualified as a Secret Satan game thanks to some excruciating design issues, the story (with no fewer than 3 major jaw-dropping twists) is well the worth the time spent.

Andy Dufresne tries to fend off Boggs and The Sisters

For the uninitiated, Breakdown’s biggest gimmick is the entirely first-person viewpoint through which the game plays out. You experience the whole game through the eyes of Derrick Cole and see what he sees. Do a backflip and the screen flips with you. Get dropkicked by a Brute and you’ll be staring up at the ceiling trying to shake it off. Although there are a few guns in the game, the majority of gameplay is hand-to-hand fighting using a fairly robust combo system comparable to the moves list for 1 or 2 fighters in any given fighting game.

I’m sure it looked like a great idea on paper but the designers failed to execute it well. For starters, without the peripheral vision that you get in a typical 3rd-person beat-em-up, it is nearly impossible to defend against multiple attackers at once. If I’m supposed to be the savior of the world, why is it so easy for one guy to ring my bell so that his 3 buddies can circle around and stomp the shit out of me? Busting a sweet combo on a single attcker feels magnificent, but facing 2 at a time forces the use of hit and run tactics that feel like an underutilization of what’s there. Additionally, the pacing just doesn’t feel right with too many empty (and I mean empty…textures are often uninspired at best) corridors and a staggered placement of enemy encounters that left me wanting.

HOWEVER…the story is fantastic and kept me playing despite control frustrations. While it definitely pulls elements from an assortment of movies and anime (none of which I’ll mention…no spoilers here) it still manages to feel original and entertain immensely with the aforementioned twists and revelations about events that take place. In this respect, the 1st-person view really helps immerse you into what’s happening and gives it a more visceral impact.

Overall, I’d say that if you’re a fan of good sci-fi, anime, or watched the Shawshank Redemption and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like”, give Breakdown a try. The game can be played through in as little as a day or 2, although it went about 15 hours for me. Just don’t plunk down money since replay value is nil and I’d be more than happy to lend it out.

I’m still playing plenty of World of Warcraft. And I think someone requested dead things instead of me jumping off stuff, well here you go:

Gamestop has a deal where if you buy two used games you get a third one for free. So all you gotta do is grab two roommates and go down there. At least that’s what I did. If the other games we got are good I will post something but for now X-men Legends.

I’m a huge fan of co-op games on any platform so I was really excited to have all of us play this on Xbox. We got home from the store and put the game in only to find out that you have to play for like an hour on single player before you can even get one other person to play with you. Its all for the plot of the game, but still. They had left the room by the time I found the one-eyed wonder (that’s Cyclops). Anyway, its a fun RPG, and it reminds me of D&D Heroes and Gaunlet Legends, both excellent games.

Finally, check this link out: http://ses.blog.hu/game/prog/index.pl
Such great memories. Apparently they are going to make the page in a language I understand. That would be wonderful.

Mom,

I’m emailing you this from an internet cafe in Kashyyk. The Wookies are slightly more friendly than the Selkath, but their cuisine leaves much to be desired. Hair in everything!

I met a really nice female named ChewBecky. Here’s a pic:

I also made friends with a local Jedi named Jolee. Despite his name, he assures me he’s all man. Here’s a picture of us outside a local restaurant. Unfortunately, we were both suffering from what they call “Wookie’s Revenge”

That same night, Jolee and I were introduced to Minny Flosswalker; the smallest Jedi in the universe. She impressed us with her ability to levitate large fruit and heat our coffee with her lightening bolts.

I have to deliver some Tach glands to Tatooine and then it’s off to Korriban!

Love,
Son

Today’s public service announcement:

X-boxes set shit on FIRE!

As it turns out, the acrid scorching smell is neither your l33t skillz “lightin’ shit up” nor Jeff’s “peculiar affliction”.

You know what he’s saying.

Dear Mom,

Manaan is great! I just got back from a deep sea walk through the underwater kolto fields. I saw many sharks including a rare giant firaxa! I stopped for a quick photo op at the local Star Map and bought this cheesy postcard from one of the native Selkath. The Selkath are ugly, rude, and smell like rotten fish, but they make an excellent seaweed salad.

Next stop Kashyyk, land of the Wookies!

Love,
Son