Back in 2005, I signed up for Xbox Live on my original Xbox using the name, you guessed it, Brixtone. I wasn’t using it much back then and I also managed to get my console banned for modding, so I opted to discontinue my subscription. Now that I have an Xbox 360, I’ve decided to give Live another shot. The Xbox dashboard even has a handy option to ‘Recover Gamertag from Xbox Live’. But it didn’t work.

After spending an hour on the phone with India-based Xbox Live support, satiating their prepared scripts by power-cycling my console and reentering my information ad infinitum, I was transferred to a supervisor. The supervisor had a slightly different script and it read like this: If you ever cancel your Xbox Live subscription, neither you nor anyone else can use that gamertag again. When I asked why, the supervisor answered “for security purposes”. I would like to personally thank Microsoft for keeping my gamertag secure from me as I surely would have used it to do evil unto myself.

Today’s lesson: If you find a gamertag that you like, remain subscribed to Xbox Live for the rest of your life to keep that gamertag secure. Otherwise, the world’s largest computing corporation won’t be able to get it back for you. Fucking idiots.