I’ve been playing RAPPELZ (I guess the name ABHORZ was already taken), the new Korean MMO from the team that brought you FLYFF (motto: We ran out of vowels). Now, the game is free, and in terms of art direction and graphics not bad looking. Crank up the settings to 11, let the bloom effect take over, and you got yourself something that looks like an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, if the action took place in medieval Korea and not on the hood of David Duchovny’s car.

However, in terms of actual, factual gameplay, RAPPELZ has to be the most cliche-ridden title I’ve played in a long time. I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of my favorites.

CLICHE 1: Where am I hiding my armor?
Ok. RAPPELZ drops you naked into the world. Given the fact that all female avatars are men in real life, this is understandable, if creepy. But, open up the inventory screen and it turns out the character is somehow carrying a full set of armor and a number of starter weapons. Where? If I’m naked, where the hell am I storing all this crap?

CLICHE 2: Information dude
Hey look, there’s a character with a giant floating question mark over his head. And yes, he WANTS to give me some information, but I’m not worthy. How can I become worthy? That bring us to…

CLICHE 3: Noob Kill Quests
Why must I kill a) a bunch of cute, innocent critters and/or b) a bunch of indigenous wildlife? What kind of fucking bizarre environmental policy does this country have that newly arrived immigrants are encouraged to decimate local wildlife populations?

Which brings me to another cliche…the Loot Drop That Makes No Sense. Why did that spider just drop the equivalent of a microwave oven and a gold-nibbed fountain pen? Why did that cute puppy I just killed leave behind a pile of gold coins? What was it saving money for? Generally speaking, I would think any animal you were attacking would leave behind a giant pile of fear-induced feces. BTW, the coin of the realm in RAPPELZ is the “rupee.” Creative. Very, very creative.

So, I kill those goddamn innocent native puppies, trying to forget their wails of pain and their curious, confused expressions, and I go back to Information Dude with proud, bloodied hands. Oh no, he says, though I have done well, I need to see this OTHER information dude, 20 yards down the path. Well, excuse me, but why don’t you just fucking wave the guy over here? He’s only 20 yards away!

So I head down the path, so pissed off now that I take a swipe at just about anything that moves. I get to the next dude, and he says, you did well and suddenly–I level up. He says I may yet become a hero. What kind of sad little place is this, where simply bring ambulatory makes you heroic?

CLICHE 4: Special Olympics Quests

These are those quests that acquaint you with the world and allow you to level up quickly, but in truth they just make you feel feeble. Hey, you walked down the road! Good boy! (bing! level up)…take this note to my sister over there…Way to go, buddy! (bing! level up)….Look in your inventory bag…hey, that’s the way, champ! (bing! level up)