So it’s down to 2 things. Either this company has the most brilliant marketing scheme ever concieved or it’s populated by brain-dead mouth breathers. I can’t decide.

Witness the marvel that is the game Shlongg. I don’t have anything to say about the game itself - the screens look pretty pedestrian - but I want to know who decided this game should be named “Shlongg.” At what point does a euphemism for a dude’s wedding tackle become a good name for a video game? Where will this madness lead us? To sequels to be named “Wing-Wang” and “Male Genitalia”?

It’s almost like the game is one giant vehicle for a penis joke. One imagines 16-year olds sitting in the basement pondering mischief:

“Dude, let’s go spray-paint dirty words on the old railroad trestle.”
“No way man, let’s do some programming, found a company, and release a console game that’s got a euphemism for ‘penis’ as a title.”
“Word.”

It gets worse. The company that made this gem is named NotSoft. Is this a descriptor of the state of their Shlongg? And if so, did I really want to know this nugget of truth? I keep thinking I’m going to find a website where someone confesses that this whole scheme is an elaborate joke.

Let me drop a couple of priceless quotes on you from the manual:

There are 12 types of Shlongg that we have encountered to date.

12?!  I hope not all at once, you whore.

Shoss is the “Bull” Shlongg. It protects the entrance to the Queen’s chamber.

On Earth we call it “cock-blocking.”

If you really need to find out, Shlongg hit stores on the 4th of July. I’m pretty sure the adult video industry has a term for when something gets hit by a Shlongg.