And the “winner” is …
The first time this game has ever won anything…
It was a close race between Willow and Robocop but unfortunately (I think), Robocop came out on top by one vote. My head bowed in silent acceptance of my fate, I mournfully loaded the ROM onto my Xbox and began playing.
The game started out okay. Nice splash screen graphics, decent music…
“Hey I just punched a dog!”
…some attractive cityscapes in the background…
“Hey, here come more dogs. Wait, he’s pulling out his gun…. Alright, it’s dog shootin’ time! Eat your heart out Resident Evil!”
Yes, punching and shooting dogs has always appealed to me. I am not a dog person. I hate dogs. Though I’d never harm one in real life, being able to virtually pummel them has always released my endorphins. Especially when they yelp, which they always do. There would be no point otherwise. The dogs in Robocop yelp in that cute 8-bit way. “Was that the game, or is my burrito ready?”
So far this game is pretty fun.
“Hey, that looks like a power up down those stairs. I’m gonna get me some!… Hey! Go down the stairs. I’m pressing down. Why won’t you go down the stairs? Look, I’m pressing diagonally down in the direction of the stairs what is your fucking problem? Go - Down - The - Fucking - Stairs - You - Ass! Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! Dow— finally!”
Now Robocop was never the most agile of cyborgs. He was built with 80’s futuristic technology which while more advanced than the future of the 60’s (Robby the Robot) he is not nearly as sophisticated as today’s future (the Terminatrix). That said, I think I remember Robocop walking up and down stairs without any problems. Feel free to dispute this if you have a copy of the movie in your collection (you can dispute anonymously if you’re embarassed). So why is the most challenging task in the game Robocop simple stair navigation?
Consider this video as a testimony to my pain.
If it wasn’t for all the stairs, I’d be done with this game by now. How many times can you say that? The game is pretty easy otherwise and not that painful. My only other complaint is that Robocop arbitrarily takes out and puts away his gun. You have no control over this. When he decides it’s time to put it away, you’re stuck punching the dogs instead of shooting them. Luckily, Robocop is “country strong” and his punches take off as much damage as his gun.
So thank you EMB editors. Thank you from the bottom of my ass. I will keep you updated as my progress continues. I pray that there isn’t an upcoming level in a scyscraper with no elevator or you’re going to see a lot of screenshots of Robocop standing next to a flight of stairs.
For a second opinion on this game and some other hilariously brutal NES reviews check out: