Now You’re Playing With Power!

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to a beta testing of Sega’s highly classified next gen console the “Sega Sleepstation”. Sega is hoping to reclaim it’s past console glory with this amazing machine. Not only will it revolutionize gaming, but it’s also touted as a possible end to drug abuse and war as we know it.

The Sleepstation’s first innovation is it’s size. While the Xbox, PS3, and Revolution are designed to be streamlined and stylish, Sega believes that product visibility is key. They want people walking outside your apartment window to be able to see the Sleepstation and covet it. Sega asks, “Why must technology make things smaller? Why not bigger? TV’s are getting bigger, automobiles are getting bigger, even Americans are getting bigger. So why not a bigger console?” The Sleepstation is contained in a convenient rolling cart featuring three drawers to keep games and game guides in and boasts a deluxe stainless steel finish. No more trashing your console just because you dumped a glass of Coke on it. The Sleepstation has been proven to work underwater for over ten hours!

The second major innovation is the Sleepstation’s controllers. There aren’t any! Simply attach six electrodes to your scalp, two on your chest, and two on your legs. Then affix the patented “REM and Chew” sensors to you cheeks and chin and you’re ready to go! The Sleepstation also has an Olfactory simulator option available as an add-on.

You can tell the machine is on by the red glow in my eyes…

So how does it perform? Well, I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement saying I wouldn’t discuss specifics regarding the SSS, but I can say that with it’s revolutionary infinibit technology and neocortex bussing system, the Sleepstation’s specs will trump the competition. The only problem so far in the beta is that performance varies from person to person. While I experienced an immersive and unbelievably realistic virtual gaming experience, the nihilist next to me kept complaining about drab gray walls and repetitive levels.

Next week I’ll report on Sega’s other top secret project. The Portable Sleepstation or “Sega PSS“