Holy Cow
c/o Eat My Bomb podcast

Dear Ms. Cow:

I am writing on behalf of a friend of mine. You might perhaps know him as “Gears of War,” but to his close circle of intimates this gentle soul is known by his real name, William Sheffield.

Since your relentless savaging on this most recent podcast, our friend William refuses to leave his room, and if you could hear the sobbing, your heart would break. Well, perhaps not yours, Ms. Cow, as it was your unceasing admonition for poor Gears/William to “suck it, suck it hard” that drove him to this sorry state. While even those closest to William know little of his clouded, early life, I suspect that your verbal hammer blows triggered some long-repressed, best forgotten memories.

Even more disturbing, this tongue-lashing came from someone whom Bill respects, even idolizes. His favorite part of each podcast was always the “new releases” segment, and I had to play it over and over for him, even though, ironically, he owns no games of any kind and probably has little concept of what they are. “Nice lady, nice lady,” Gears would intone with a huge–if vacant–grin on his face. You know what he said after this last show? “Why is that nice lady so mad at me?” Why indeed.

Ms. Cow, we are all aware of your verbal and intellectual prowess and you needn’t prove it at the expense of other, less gifted, individuals such as Gears. Not only that, there are laws–not to mention moral prohibitives–against it.

Despite Gear’s media persona (a fiction entirely out of his control) as a brutal, savage, and revenge-driven being, William is a gentle soul who will no doubt forget and forgive this latest transgression. Indeed, as I write, I can hear him sing-songing his plea for “new releases, new releases” (although, frankly, thanks to his mangled pronunciation, he might be asking for something else entirely).

Thank you for your time.

PS to Ruckus–I totally agree with your comments about Hidden Valley–they do make a delicious Ranch dressing.